Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Snow is Evil

Snow is evil. Let me tell you why.

"But it's so purty!" You say. Yes, it's pretty. But many pretty things can also wreck havoc. Snow is pretty like that hot chick assassin in the movie. She's a looker, but watch out; she'll kick you in the teeth and kill you with her eyelashes, step over your rapidly chilling corpse and keep on truckin'.

Snow is white. In Sheri World; white is the color of death. "White? It's a pure color." You argue. Pure evil. White is not even a color, it's the absence of color. As in all color as been sucked out of it. The "white light" folks see when they die. Yeah. White. Not pink, blue or even chartreuse. It's the color of ash. And just try wearing a pair of white pants and see how long it takes for them to get dirty.

Snow is cold. Again, in Sheri World, Hell is cold. It's miserable. Cold can even burn. Add to this the wet part of snow and you have the double whammy. Cold, wet and absolutely miserable.

Snow covers everything without regard. It coats your car, your house, your dog if left outside, your front walk and your driveway. You must combat this with physical labor. And when you're done, damned if the bitch snow doesn't still fall and an hour later covers everything all over again. Snow doesn't give a rat's testicle about you spending two hours shoveling. It laughs at you. That "whispering of snow falling." No, it's fucking laughing.

Snow transforms normally sane people into absolute lunatics. Think you know how to drive in snow and its partner in crime, ice? You might, but the fifteen people around you who had to get to the store and stock up on provisions can't. Cars skid around, crash into things and other cars. Cars get stuck in intersections. And that whole "must go to the store thing?" That is not usual behavior. Snow induces panic on an Armageddon scale.

Its effect on children is akin to the seventh level of hell. Snow makes children vibrate! They're excited, they want to play in the snow. Please, can we?? So, they get all bundled up, go outside for ten minutes and realize: "Oh.. hey, this crap is COLD!" Um.. we're going back in.

Pile up enough snow and ice on a power line and it snaps. No power, no heat. Cold. Avalanches? Big ass piles of snow waiting for someone to unleash their fury with a loud belch aimed in the wrong direction.

Snow is even bad Feng Shui. All that white everywhere. Talk about jacking up someone's chi. Snow is like a bad rash. It comes, stays, goes away and around about the time you think you can toss the skin cream, it comes back. Sometimes the stuff sticks around like a bad boyfriend. Snow is the stalker of weather.

I will admit, a large part of my attitude is the result of having a job that is made infinitely more difficult by snow and winter weather. Try taking 500 911 calls in an hour about yet another accident on a snow-slicked roadway. And when it snows, I still have to get to work. I don't get the luxury of working from home or telling my boss, "I think I'm not coming in." And I don't care for cold, or wet.

You may not share my opinion and that's all right. I will bemoan the arrival of that chilling harbinger of death, doom and destruction until such time that I can move to a tropical climate.

My luck though, I'll move to Florida and it will start snowing there.


  1. LOL - a wonderfully thought out rant! Time was I might have lined up on the other side, but no more. I guess it comes with time and experience, but snow should never exceed three inches, should never stick to the roads or wires and should never come mixed with ice.

    Denise Golinowski

  2. Phhhhhbt. Come over and have a hot buttered rum.

  3. I could get around hot buttered rum. Just without the snow. :0)

  4. Not a big fan of snow. My husband loves to ski and I don't and he's this as a major character flaw. I just don't like being that cold.